Well, I did it. Not sure if I said the right thing or not. I guess it is wait and see at this point.

Really this has brought up a whole lot of stuff I thought I had left behind. I am so angry. I feel like I have to explain...to apologise for something that I did not do and that was for the most part out of my control.

I made my mistakes and I have no issue fessing up to them. But I NEVER left him. His dad took him. I feel like in order to make myself...I don't wanna say the good guy because that is not quite what I mean, I guess to make myself not the bad guy, I will have to say some really negative things about his dad.
And I have never been about that.

Yes, I probably could have fought harder. Could have not bowed out when I recieved the letter from his dad's attorney. But the truth is I was on the losing end. I could not even afford to talk to an attorney on the phone. C had a high powered friend of his dad's who was willing to do it for nothing except court costs. So, yes I could have fought but in the end it would have done nothing but cause my son extensive emotional damage (and we are talking about a 6 year old who was already talking about suicide). I just wanted him to hurt as little as possible.

When I say that I am afraid that he may be disapointed, well that is a very real fear. J was raised in a family where they have very little patience for the difficulties of others. His dad suffered depression issues (not sure what his actual dx was but he was pretty bad) for years. He had his first "breakdown" at 16. For a while they had him in counceling but within a short period that ended and they started heaping the pressure on him. When J came along it only got worse...then he was expected to be the perfect father, the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect husband, and the perfect employee. There was no room for failure and we all suffered for it.