My parents wanted a boy very much but they have me instead. They were pretty disappointed, kept telling others how badly they wanted a boy but got another girl. Maybe this is the reason; they brought me up the tough way, no crying, no complaint, no sadness, no worries and no anger at home. I ended up swallowing every negative emotion inside me and I just do not know how to express them anymore. They just lost inside me. Each time, I’ll be very emotionless whenever I am supposed to be having these feelings. Friends see me as tough, strong and a very calm person but in reality, I just do not know how to express them like most people do. It ended up, only me alone who can truly understand the real situation or pain inside me at any moment. Nobody could see through me.

My trauma only worsens my situation. After the incident, my initial view of the whole world completely collapsed. For me to truly trust again after I was betrayed, hurt and violated by a close relative, someone I trusted and known for years, someone who was supposed to protect me but ended up stripping my dignity and pride away from me and also humiliating me was a tremendous hard thing to do. I couldn’t even trust myself. I some how accepted the hurt in my own ways, moved on after a year or two of crying and grieving and suppressing every little detail of the incident.

Before my ptsd flared up, I was not that badly affected by these negative emotions as they were not common in my life. But when things got worst, with ptsd getting into my life, I couldn’t swallow, contain or tolerate these huge negative emotion inside me anymore like the old me. There were times; I wanted to cut my chest open to let these trapped feelings out or banging my head against the wall. I just wanted them out of me badly. I find it extremely hard, even to share any sadness, fear, etc with my partner. I just fear to share now, still have this fear and insecure feelings in me that I’ll be punished like I used to be when I was a kid. I know hubby will not punish me but still the fear is tremendous in me. The fear is holding me back though I am trying to learn how to share again. It’s very hard; I still write letters or emails to hubby whenever I failed to face him even though we share the same bed every night. I am trying to talk things out face to face whenever I can. Even a very little feedback on my dislike is a huge obstacle for me. Can you believe, we have been together for 12years (marriage 6 years) and I still fear to share my fears?

After being frank with my partner about this, glad that hubby is learning to be extremely patient and feeding me questions to make my way easier. We are both learning and have been trying to make me express myself more since January 2007, and I have only progress a little on this, still finding it hard to talk but at least I am trying. This positive support has given me new strength, and I am feeling much secure and confident in facing this healing process.

Lesson learned: I must talk and communicate my true emotions and not hiding them like the old me because by hiding or suppressing them, they will only make me more sick and depressed. I have to be more assertive.