What I did notice in myself is I am much vulnerable to triggers or flashbacks during intimate moment if I am already shaken, feeling stressful or insecure to trauma related issues earlier. Which means my mind is weaker at that moment and I am much easier to be triggered.

If I am feeling down, all I wanted is only to cuddle and I‘ll let hubby know that I am not in the mood and am feeling a little shaken lately. But there were times; I only get triggers or flashbacks in the middle of everything, which makes me feel bad about myself, when I wanted it to stop immediately as my flashbacks were causing me tremendous pain and on the other hand, I felt so selfish of me and I feflt bad for hubby. Again if I am only a little triggered, I will try to end it quickly and swallow the pain without hubby knowing the truth. I know it is not the right way but I still do it once in a while. But if it is a bad trigger, I’ll usually turn stone and dissociate. Hubby stops seeing the unresponsive and cold me.

I truly appreciate that hubby has never force me into any activities that I am uncomfortable at, especially sex. He knows how bad my trauma has affected me also maybe he was with me throughout my trauma then, that's why he never wants to see me struggle again like those initial months and years after my trauma. Though I could share his bed then but all we did was only cuddle in bed for 3 years. Nothing beyond than that.

Slowly, I did improve after the 3rd year. And life was moving positively. I had 5 solid years without crying, triggers, nightmares or flashbacks. We had great sex for about 5 years before my ptsd started to control my life again that's when me starting to get the above triggers. But it's slowling down again lately while I am working hard in the healing process. I am getting to know myself and triggers better.