9Lives! OMG! No wonder you do not feel safe with him. Even though he is your husband if you say no and he forces you to do something anyway, honey, "That's RAPE!". I agree with nov, you have experienced trauma in your marriage. And I might add, all perpetrators apolojize to get their butt out of trouble. If he was the loving supportive husband you deserve he would have never violated you like that. I am with Nov, I'm angry as hell at this guy!!!!!!! Please know, there is nothing you did worng or nothing unusual about your struggle. My X raped me on many occasions and it was so very demeaning to me. I do have some trouble with sexuality with my current hubby but he is loving and understanding. It helps that he is 12 years older than me as he is not as much testosterone driven! lol! You are in my thoughts and prayers.