Initially my mask was meant only to hide my pain and trauma from the world, so that I could move along with my life. Making it so strong and perfect that it has now divided myself into two extreme different me, so strong on the outside opposing the extreme lost soul beneath. I thought I could move on living and building the strong me while ignoring and suppressing the real me beneath. I was wrong.

I realized that this is not healthy in fact it causes me tremendous pain, even almost cost me my life. Then I tried to tend to the other half of me lying beneath my mask, but then again, it was causing me more pain than I could imagine. Emotion that I worked hard to tame in the past had all become raw and uncontrollable again. I disliked being weak and not in controlled of myself. I believed this has to do with my trauma, me losing control of the situation then. I hate losing control of myself so I wanted to go back to the stronger me, to be in controlled and to bury the trauma once again. Damn! At that time, both ways were equally painful for me. Left me wondering whether to continue or to withdraw and turn back???

Then I remembered what Anthony had said earlier, "I have chosen not to remember the trauma at a sub-conscious level, but unfortunately, the memory is still stored, I just actively attempting to block it. We can choose all we want to try and suppress our traumas, but the problem is, is that our mind makes the overall decision for us, and trauma can only sustain suppressed for so long, then whether I want the memories or not, they come back larger than life, haunt me through flashbacks, haunt me when I sleep, because my brain knows I’m going to sleep sooner or later..... You are trying to suppress it, trying to avoid it, but you are also feeling it creeping through more and more, slowly consuming you day by day. How much longer do you think you can function without facing it is the question? "

After the past months, now I can truly said that what he had said earlier is so true, the more you fear it , the worst it will come back to you.

Before this, I used to hide it so well and knock-off every single emerging thoughts of the incident. Trying to avoid them not wanted to be annoyed or irritated by them. More correctly said, I was afraid of them because thinking of them freaked me away. I had been running past 1 decade and running away had not done me any good; that’s when I started to realize that I have to face this reality and to lift this denial inside me, so that I can truly let the past go after coming to term with it.

Unfortunately, trying to bring back those memories hurt, writing them out had me lived the whole incident again. But I really wanted them out of me no matter how raw or hurt or shaken I was. To face them now as I was tired of suppressing them inside me for the past decade and I didn’t think I could carry it hidden inside me the remainder of my life. I longed to be free. That's why I continued writing.Though it was very stressful and hard on me, but I was still emotionally very strong as I could handle myself just as usual most of the days except I did find myself being divided into two; keeping my strong character during the day(attending my classes) and seeking solace with the weaker side of me at night; Looking through my past and keeping in touch with my deep feelings. And yes, there were also unavoided days where the whole process knocked me off, leaving me so sick staying in bed.

For me, reading it was more difficult than in writing it earlier, left me with many delayed triggers. Still I read my written trauma repeatedly over the past months. Initially, I used to be so annoyed and angry just by reading my own trauma. Usually it made me sick and I felt horrible the next few days after reading it. But repeatedly doing so has not only helped burnt all the anger and hatred inside me; now I do not feel distress reading it anymore, which is a good sign. The pain, hatred, guilt and blamed that I used to put onto myself subsided. I don’t fear them anymore as now I have accepted and I truly understand that they are merely some memories of mine and there is nothing much I can do to change the history. In fact, I read it to analyze in details what had happenned that day, to help me understand my triggers and responses in aiding my healing journey.

How I wish I could have done this earlier and not only after a decade now that I am seeing the trauma as a whole picture and not random partial memories as before. Anyway I am truly happy that I went through this battle against my inner-self. With this I am sleeping well and feeling much better now.