Hello,

I was just looking up some info on PTSD and found this forum. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD... probably because I haven't really given the whole 'psychological medical professional' thing much of a try. I went a few times to someone and they told me I have panic attacks and instantly tried to give me drugs... which I didn't really want.

I was abused and exposed to a lot of ugly things from birth to about 14. I never really had a sense of security in any manner... and when you're always focusing on staying alive and staying out of danger as you grow up you don't really ever stop and think, "Am I ok?"... I wasn't. I'm still not I suppose. If it was only the abuse perhaps I would of gotten over it. When I was 16 I was raped by someone I thought was my friend. I told one person and they actually told me it was probably my fault and ignored me. I've always been good handling myself.. and being on my own. I'm always good when I'm struggling to survive or keep my head over the water.. cause then I don't have to think about other things.. deeper things.

I got married a few months ago and my husband is great. For the first time there is someone looking out for me.. and I guess I feel safe. This safety is really uncomfortable for me. I've always had bad panic attacks (since I was 10... shaking hands, disoriented, sweating, heart racing, terrible panic, fear..) but since my life has cooled down and is a little more 'normal' I feel like it's getting worse... maybe I just notice it more. Sometimes my husband will touch me and I'll get the same feeling that I got when I was raped... and I'll flip out. It's like all of a sudden I don't have to be fighting for my life and I realize I'm not ok. I get throw into terrible spouts of depression... which can last for months.. and the anxiety/panic attacks come when there is no reasonable trigger. Thankfully I am not depressed right now...

Apart from being abused for 14 years and raped... I had many men try to attack me... it's like I am a magnet for creeps. Strangers on the street following me or coming after me. I've gotten really jumpy and suspicious of everyone after the 5th attemped random attack. Even as a little girl men tried to abduct me multiple times.. one time the cops stopped them, a few times I did and my mother did as well. I feel like I can't leave the house without carrying a weapon... so I do carry a weapon. If I don't I feel scared all the time. I feel like danger is around every corner and I have to be ready for the next attack.. I can't live life. My husband doesn't really understand.. especially when he triggers something by mistake and I go into a fetal position and start rocking and feeling like I'm in shock or going to die.

OK.. well.. I just needed to share. If you actually read all this.. thank you. If anyone has any comments or would like to give some input feel free. I'm not really sure what to do about this stuff... but I fear if I do nothing I'll never really get a chance to live.