~ The Cliffs Notes of my Life ~

AGE 3 Saw my father slip away in a diabetic coma & he never woke up
3 – 4 Became homeless w/ my mom & baby brother after my father died
5 Saw my grandfather have a heart attack & die right in front of me
6 Molested by a male babysitter who was a cemetery caretaker (lived on the property as well) which he used as a great scare tactic
6 – 13 Molested by my other grandfather every morning of every summer[/COLOR]
3-16 Physically & psychologically abused by my mother who suffered from PTSD, OCD, & bi-polar (life was threatened on numerous occasions). I begged God to just kill me
16 Placed in Foster home while I took my grandfather to court (was traumatized by the court system, entire family disowned me, & my life was threatened again)
16 -17 Was stalked daily & finally raped by a person living in that foster home. I finally got him off me by holding a hunter’s knife that I kept under my pillow to his genitals – I don’t know why I didn’t use it…)
17 Was sent to another foster home for a while before being sent back to my mother.
18 The day after I turned 18 & graduated from high school, my mother kicked me out. I joined the military because it was my only option. I didn’t have my birth certificate so, the recruiter took advantage of me & said if I performed oral sex on him, he would get me a waiver. I didn’t think I had a choice
18 Brutally raped in military tech school. Wasn’t believed until evidence was found during the investigation and in the meantime, I was made to go to school with my rapist. He & his friends made my life difficult & I threatened his life if he ever touched me again. He reported me & I was sent to a Psychiatric Ward against my will where I had everything I owned taken away from me including my shoelaces! Sometime later (days, weeks?) I was released by the base commander with a “Sorry, we shouldn’t have been put you in here. Where do you want to go, you can be at your new base tomorrow”. I never found out what happened to my rapist or if he got punished. (I doubt it)
19-21 During this time, I was harassed by a direct supervisor, found out I had PTSD, diabetes, & cervical dysplasia bordering on micro-intrusive cancer (4 years of painful treatment)
21-23 Discharged by the military, married, lost #1st baby, & worked for an all male prison (poor choice on my part)…
24-25 Lived in Turkey during longest strike in Air Force history, the horrible earthquakes of ’98, lost baby #2, had a nervous breakdown & wanted to die
26 Moved back to the states. Divorced.
27-33 (current) Remarried, had a baby (extreme high risk pregnancy), abused by spouse (getting counseling but another divorce is likely), found out I have more illnesses besides PTSD & Diabetes such as, hypertension, secondary major depression, anxiety/panic attacks, Fibromyalgia, migraines, PVCs, tachycardia, & diabetic neuropathy/nerve pain in 3 limbs (1 surgery). My PTSD symptoms have become worse along with my health so, I’ve applied for state disability with my doctors & therapist’s approval and I have been turned down 2x now.
* I try not to give up hope but, I don’t know how much more I can possibly take – I feel so weak. God, please help me be strong! Well, that’s it for now.