Poem title-This Was My World.

A friend of mine was showing me a music video today. It was showing a commando hero fighting with rifles and knives.

I made my friend turn it off.

It was upseting me and oddly confusing me so much-I was hyperventillating.

"It's just a video, a cartoon" he said.

Not to me.

To me, it was a memory-a frightening symbol.

Of a man who was my best friend in the world-

well I thought he was.

I was 8.

Why does that bother me so much?

I was 8 - lacking adult comprehension-and unknowingly defenseless to 25 year old men. chills.

Did he know it? Did he know I admired him? Did he know he was my favorite masculine role model in the world?

Did he know I loved him? I try not to feel foolish and naive when I remember that. I loved him. Hot Damn it all.

I was young and felt low and small and that people didn't care about me.

I thought that he was the one to follow. I thought he could show me how me how to be a complete man and live a happy life with that.

One fateful day, he got angry at life.

One fateful day I was his easy prey.

Does it make you feel good---Big man-to knock out little kids? Did you do this to 20 more kids....who were just like me?

That wouldn't surprise me.

In a story-Batman and Robin have just won a battle against evil.

Robin walks over smiling to Batman and says: "Hey, Good Job! We won!"

Batman whips around with a pipe in his hand angrily viciously beating Robin unconscious, snarling and walks away from his newly made victim.

This didn't happen in the comic books----but it happened in real life.


Who can say? how many thousands of times?.............

Somewhere, I hear a Devil's voice echoing, laughing away in a hallway-as I try to piece together my life.

Sometimes I feel like hospitalizing myself and giving up on being with people, face to face, all together. giving up on normal life.

I'd give up and go home, If I had a group of friends that I can meet outside the internet that I could trust-and trust them to be my home.

Does someone smaller or weaker than me think that I'm a hero?.......

Oh sh___.

What do I do?

May Goodness preserve us?...................

Dear L-rd.

For all that I hold dear, Please protect me from striking out physically in anger. From hurting the innocent.

Dear L-rd, I scream and beg you, Please?......Please protect me from the stranger I knew from long ago-

who lives on in my thoughts.

Please, In my adult life.........spare us.

Please don't let me turn into Him.