I thought I was finished with this thread. Oh how I wish I were. If only I could forgive and forget this whole period of time. And, yet I did successfully do so once for a long period of time and now only to have it return resulting from triggers: words, concepts, phrases, people, witness, awarenesses, my own sexuality and articles. Articles like this one: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18368218/site/newsweek/

It's a whole period of time that hurts. Deep, deep pain and hurt with being so isolated, and so alone. With seeing and knowing too much and having to pretend I didn't know in order to stay alive. With not seeing and knowing what I should have and didn't, in order to stay alive. I dread facing the reality of all of it and with my confrontation with all my feelings. Deep feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, terror, doubt and unworthiness. And, though I know I didn't deserve it, neither did the others that I both witnessed and overheard had succumbed to the deprivation of truth, rejection, onslaught of intimidation/pressure, control (misuse of power), indifference and selfish hatred.

I really hope it's ok to say this. As so often I want to omit what I'm really thinking and feeling to appease others and discourage rejection and attack.

Since participating in the forum and being reminded and validated of everything I always known about how cruel and unjust this world and it's people is to one another, and looking at and owning my many varied traumas with all its emotion, effect and nightmarish horror, and then looking at my past and how poorly equipped I was, and set-up, I was then, to become the abuser. (most especially self-abuse, but then emot./verb. threathening and abusive towards my mother at times). I'm disgusted with this whole freakin' PTSD and alcoholism diagnosis and thing.

I'm feeling disgusted right now. So embarrassed, so ashamed, so regretful and remorseful and angry at reality as it is. I go in and out of my dark times often now. I want out again! and I found out, once. And, though I'm still confused as to what those mo.'s and yrs. were the result of I tend to believe it was all about God's love and forgiveness and my willingness and desire to put God first and foremost, trusting in him bottom-line. I tend to believe it was about me conforming my once abandonded truth with his truth in action, and through my acceptance of him and his standards for me and my life. Life was good then. Pain was minimized, brief and surmountable. Trustworthy, loving people appeared in my daily life and world seemingly out of know where. I was positive, only vaguely aware yet forgiving of the past and living in the present. Each day felt safe, was new, good and positive and yes even those days filled with many trials.

And, then life and responsibilities became to much. Family members were welcomed back into my life and other family and acquaintances all started to resemble in behavior and/or nature that of my abusers. I responded with a failure to learn, grow and continue to heal. I blamed and rejected God and most people. I concluded by rejecting and abandoning myself and I was lost.

Lost..........Lost............Lost.....Freakin lost AGAIN!

Failing to take care of myself and my health and angry again at God and people and the idea of free will I relapsed into such a feeling of helplessness, powerlessness, self-pitying and a negative frame of mind and stayed there in that inertia, for sometime, too long for me, and quite frankly life didn't feel much like it was worth living. My old freakin hell that I once had survived, had desired me again, was fit and suited to reclaim me and my life.

I know I'm ramblin now. And, I've had some fairly good PRN medicated evenings lately. Three to be precise, and I'm ashamed of it, bc I'm still freakin brainwashed with the ridiculous, foolishness that by temporarily needing and treating my PTSD with meds makes me worthless. I know this is a lie, and I'd never think this was true of anyone else, bc I seldom judge others and certainly no one here, bc we've all been through and survived one form of traumatic hell or the other, but with myself and given the nature of some of my trauma and experiences, I still believe that I should be stronger. What freakin bullsh't this is.

I just know last Thurs. following evenings of recalling and reliving flashbacks, and with Wed.'s post and then the great responsibilities of that day and into the late evening, (with all its misunderstanding and arguement) I spent Thurs. completely in panic unable to walk and think, repeatedly falling and pulling myself around the floors of my house.

I couldn't walk and it was so frightening, and no one was home and I couldn't think to respond to anything externally for far to long. And the feelings that I felt were helplessness and trapped. Trapped! ...so freakin weak, vulnerable, ashamed, bad and trapped.

I can't do this anymore. I hope you'all won't be seeing me around here much for sometime. I really hope this, and I'll miss you. I Love you all and have so much respect and gratitude to so so so many of you, many of whom I've had little to no time to chat with or respond to. I truly wish each one of you so much healing and love in your lives,

and I too intend to continue to seek hope, healing, life and truth, but for right now I have enorm. responsibilities, barriers and many of obstacles to accept, take action upon and overcome before I'm again ready to understand and know too much and/or confront, expose or publicly analyze the floods of emotion and trauma's pressing me and crying out for my attention.

Hoping this doesn't need to make a whole heck of a lot of sense to anyone in order for me to post. I guess it just needs being said tonight.

Again, please all take care of your health first and family, each other and everything else afterwards, and I'll try to do the same. This may be faulty thinking, who knows, I just know that no other order seems to work for me.

My Best to you!

Hope