WarHippy 1%,
Thank you for your eloquent reply. I can see now that it is a protective mechanism. My husband does not want to hurt us in any way. I have always "known" this, but your explanation made it make sense for the first time.
However, when I see my husband interacting with other people's children in ways he was never able to with our own children, it tears my heart out.
One of our sons put it in perspective when he said "We've never known it any other way." This deeply saddens me. Seeing their father "buddy-buddy" with other kids cannot help but to have been hurtful to my children. My heart bled for them everytime I saw this. How in the world would you explain something like that to a child?
Because my children are now adults, I can help them to understand all of this; BUT their childhood was with an "absent, though present, father." My own mother always treated other peoples' kids better than us, so this is a tender issue for me. What will keep my own children from repeating this pattern?
Because of the social isolation that goes along with PTSD, their experience with other families was limited. I know that I contributed to that by not wanting to expose them, and myself, to the discrepency of treatment by my husband. He could be warm and witty with other people's wives, too. I didn't understand why, but I know I felt hurt and betrayed many times at social gatherings. Because my husband (a very good man) has at times been particularly adept at embarrassing me in front of others, we've avoided social activities over the years.
I avoided confronting these issues for many years because I wanted to create a stable home for our kids, but now that they are all grown, I would like to have a real and intimate relationship with my husband. Please tell me that this will eventualy be possible! And please tell me it is not too late for my husband to have rich and rewarding relationships with his children!
And while you are at it, I'll take an order of "moon with a side of stars!"