I know that infatuation with revenge is common here but is it ever therapeutic to actually get revenge?

About a year ago, I tried to rekindle a relationship with my mother who was complaisant in the abuse I suffered and spectacularly negligent in her responsibilities as a mother. I hadn't talked to her for 15 years.

Contacting her caused me severe distress. I suffered an almost continuous panic attack for 6 days. For 3 days before and 3 days after. Over the next year things went up and down but a clear pattern emerged.

She was never going to take responsibility for what she (didn't) do. Repeatedly asking for "forgiveness" demanding it really - expecting it. She also repeatedly suggested that I needed forgiveness for what I did from the ages of 2-14. This caused me severe distress and more panic attacks that severely damaged my personal relationships and business.

Eventually, I had had enough and starting about a week ago I tried my very best to incite her to commit suicide. I am not a fool and knew very well what I was doing and tried to be very shrewd and effective in my efforts. I also made attempts to disrupt her own personal relationships and work.

Now I am being threatened with prosecution. At first, I said I was sorry, this caused me to sink into a deep depression and I almost killed myself.

After coming to this form, I read that what she did was typical and was genuinely shocked. I have now rescinded my apology and sent her all the telephone numbers she might need for prosecution saying that I would love to get my day in court.

I realize that my behavior is extremely self-destructive but the alternative is also very self-destructive. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.