well, you have started on the journey of healing. I don't mean to sound corny... but you are admitting not only to yourself but to all of us that you want (perhaps even deserve? Smile!) such wonderful and important things for yourself.

BUT, at the same time, be careful. We easily can torture ourselves with the things that we want or feel that we should have. You have to go through the shitty times...and it's hard and deep and dark, but it doesn't have to stay that way (I am saying this to both of us). There is NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL. Society dupes us into believing that we should be "normal" but it doesn't exist. Strive for healthy. What's healthy for your life. We each have different needs, and it's important to strive to meet our different and unique needs. To trust again, this needs to begin with yourself. What an important set of baby steps on this path! With so many layers. We are worth building what is ours to have... And love, similar to trust. I am still figuring out what it means to love myself. It's not this gushy happy sunshiny thing. It's a series of decisions we make everyday to not undermine ourselves, to give ourselves chances to be, to not know all the answers or any of them at times = it's about permission to breath and for that to be enough at times. It's so hard, but so worth it. We need to be our own greatest gift...