I think I just gave myself an idea on how I can work some of my issues out! I sort of listed everything like a grocery list (I'm sure to spare myself of more trauma & emotion). Maybe if I go through each one, describe what happened, get it out of my head, maybe that will help?? Well, here goes...

age 3: My only memory of my father was the day he slipped into a coma & died. I remember wanting to run to his bed & hop up there (we loved each other so much!) and my mom (who was crying) said no. She tried to tell me to leave him alone, tried pulling me away, & finally bribed me away with ice cream (I was 3 so it worked) but, I know I didn't want to leave him but, my mom was crying & I was scared. I started crying because I knew something was terribly wrong, & as my mom had a nervous breakdown & I never saw my dad again, I learned what anguish felt like at 3 years old. (my mom never really spoke of him again & we were too afraid to mention him or ask questions because we didn't want to bring her pain).

age 3-4: Not much to say here except my mom sold everything she had to move closer to her parents after my father died. But, they didn't help us & instead, we ended up in a Salvation Army (my mom was only 24, I was 3, & my brother was an infant). I remember before we were taken in, it was soooo cold & I couldn't walk anymore & I was jealous that my brother got to ride in the stroller (again I was just 3!). I remember being scared sleeping there because of all the strangers in the make-shift dorm room.

age 5: Family relations got a little better after my mom got on her feet (no help from anyone) & we started seeing them. I remember seeing my grandfather have a heart attack & die right in front of me in the garden where I was helping him plant vegetables just minutes before. I was horrified as his face morphed into one of terrible pain & he collapsed at my feet. I ran & got help & that's the last thing I remember. I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral though & I remember wanting to say goodbye. No one talked about him either after he passed away.

age 6: I was repeatedly molested by a male babysitter who was a cemetary care taker. He lived on the property in a little house with his mother. After we were dropped off, we were separated so he could molest me in private. I don't know if anything bad happened to my brother as we were kept apart every visit but, I pray to God that he wasn't hurt. To this day, I have anxiety attacks passing by a cemetary or seeing long-haired, middle-aged, hippie-looking men.

age 6-13: My other grandfather sexually abused me every morning of every day of every summer. This went on for years & I never told anyone although I was repulsed by it & knew it was wrong. Finally, I learned to dissociate which helped save my sanity at the time. Finally, when I was 16, I told my mother & she said "So what! I'm sure what he did wasn't as bad as what he did to me!" I told a friend later who went to the authorities because I suspected my 3-yr old sister was getting abused (she told me & there was blood in her urine, etc.) & next thing you know we were all in foster care & I was taking my grandfather to court (which is another story for another day).

Well, that's it for now. I'll be back another day...