Hi Anthony,

Thanks for the reply, it was pretty accurate. Your comments sound an awful lot like my therapist, especially when it comes to intimacy and emotional disconnection! I'm in a classic-chicken-and-egg situation: I have had PTSD from abuse I experienced as a child, and later in my first marriage, but I also have trust issues from subsequent relationships with addicts (one of whom is my current husband).

Other than my immediate family of my husband and 2 adult daughters, I don't have any family that I would want to spend time with. Either they are unknown persons to me, or as you have commented, they are people who have been cruel in my past. I remember discovering in geneological research a few years ago that one of my ancestors up the tree was related to the historial person "MacBeth" was based on, and it didn't surprise me at all. It's a painful topic, and one I feel isolates me from the majority of people because generally family is a source of joy and strength. For myself, it has been the exact opposite, and I feel like it is taboo to talk about outside of therapy unless I want to risk being judged as a freak by normal folks.

As to my intense apathy over my future, it's pretty complicated. I have done lots of therapy and if anything, I feel I have regressed over the last 20 years. For the longest time my spirituality held me together, but in the last year I have completely lost my faith. I don't even trust my previous beliefs, I think I just wanted a cosmic rescue - that's probably part of the deceipt.

It's not like only the outside world can be deceitful, often I feel like some inner part of me is that way too. The other part of my future problem has to do with the environment, I have a lot of grief about the damage being done to it.

I am not sure I understand the following couple of comments:

- You feel you would rather return to an ealier time in childhood to not deal with your poor support systems.

I don't have a childhood I would want to return to, it was h#ll. The whole poor support systems issue is kind of beyond me at this time. I never have been a person who's good with idle chat, and the older I get the more introverted I seem to become. It seems like an enormous effort to go through meeting another group of people again, opening myself up and facing rejection, again. I just don't do people very well it seems, and I'm not very motivated to connect.

- Your largest issue at present is keeping your true feelings inside, though you know once you open up, the rest will flow out and will become easier to be more open.

This is largely a theoretical concept for me, a favorite fantasy if you will. I don't trust myself to be able to do this. My therapist thinks some of this may have to do with the anti-depressants I am on, as they tend to flatten feelings.

Thanks again for sharing your comments, :rolleyes:
fdhionly