FD, yes anti-depressants do have that effect on most people, though opening up is a choice, and no medication can stop that if you make the choice to simply let it all go, be honest, and rid yourself of the secrets. You see, your amongst a group of people here who all have experienced similar things to yourself or experience the same things now because of PTSD. You see, nobody here is a freak to another, nor different in much of a way, because the more you read here, the more you would notice how lives seem to replicate one another when PTSD is involved, or abuse is involved, or rape is involved, or military is involved, etc etc... all the same.

The childhood comment is not rhetorical in the sense that you would like to return to your own childhood as such, but more an earlier age where you don't have to deal with the pressures of life so much, and adults should deal with them for you... not necessarily your childhood, but just childhood in general. People often sub-consciously have these thoughts to escape life... that is part of their goal, to escape the stress, anxiety and issues surrounding life, and what better way to do that than being a child once again. Regardless what we all endure as a child, we still see other childrens lives, better or worse than our own, which we remember and can consciously choose to return to similar standings.

Your not Robinson Cruiso when it comes to keeping your feelings inside, just about every person does it, some more than others. We all keep secrets at points in our lives, some their entire lives. I still have secrets that I cannot disclose due to my military career, but there not the type of secrets that affect me negatively, so there is no need to discuss them. All the negative content has been ridden from me, I have dealt with all that, and that is what you must do... you must open Pandora's box to begin with, then allow it to all just flow out and stop fighting it.

We are our own worst enemy, we really are. The longer you choose to keep everything within you, the longer you remain ill. You mention about losing your faith, well... I could tell you that you shouldn't rely on anything like faith in the first place, god or similar, because healing PTSD is a logical process, not a spiritual one. Nobody else can help you except you. That doesn't mean you can't be religous, you just have to use commonsense when it comes to what you have, and realise that no amount off prayer or the like is going to take all your burdens away, only you can remove the negativity from your life.

Healing PTSD is all about choice, and it cannot begin until you the sufferer actively engage to commit yourself into healing, not pretending to do it, but really being open and honest with yourself about all the trauma, let it out. Nobody can force us to help ourselves, we must make the choice to help ourselves.