The calmness flooded me.
In my mind I could see this person... no characteristics except for a missing nose.
The huge dark triangle stood out sharply against the pale skin.
But I wasn’t as bothered by this image... it was another person, not me.
(I think when I self medicate I’m looking for that same calm)

So when the guys finally got sorted out and started driving me...
I don’t really remember.
It didn’t even feel like I was there.

I remember holding my eyes shut...
and asking for a smoke.
A lit cigarette was gently guided into my open mouth.
I reached up... took it between my two fingers... and took deep drags...

The burning hot smoke stung my throat and lungs...
but it was my only assurance that my airways were still open.

I opened my eyes briefly.
My hair flying everywhere uncontrollably.
I saw my hair fly into my burning smoke.
I couldn’t smell the burnt hair, but I could hear the sizzling.
But I didn’t even care... I puffed away.

That cigarette got me through the rest of the drive.

I vaguely recall being in a wheelchair at the ER registration desk.
(how I got in the wheelchair...? I have no idea)

Of course they wheeled me right in, no waiting.
I desperately held the bloody t-shirts over my face... I didn’t want anyone to see e... or know it was me.
(small town... 2 of my family members work there, and I even had worked there the year prior during my school summer break)

My eyes were open at this point, and I saw the curiosity of all the people in the waiting room...
They wanted to know what happened, who I was, why there was sooo much blood..?
I could just see the questions written across each persons face.

I couldn’t blame them though,
It’s only human nature to be curious.
If I was in their places I probally would have acted the same way.

But I still wasn’t willing to show my face and answer all their questions.