So I am grounded right now and that sucks. My car has a timing/distributor problem that I hope is going to be addressed tomorrow or the next day by family member. Ed's car is overheating and needs to visit the shop on monday for a thermostat. Ed will be going out of town on Tuesday so he will naturally be taking his fixed car at that time, so I am hoping my car is drivable by then.

I killed a baby scorpion on my porch yesterday, too close to the house for sure. My dog has been licking his mouth alot and I am hoping he was not stung, he is eating now and acting better so I am guessing he is okay. My poodle tryed to put his back out again yesterday and freaked me out, as I know his time is limited, he is just soooo old.

I keep thinking of Coleen and cannot seem to pass over the thought that she should not be dead. Its like I know she did it, but cannot believe she did it. I cannot shake the feeling she did it by accident, maybe that is my denial. Coleen was so alive, funny, and full of spunk that this is the last thing I expected. I could see a motorcycle accident, car accident anything but suicide. She loved her husband soooo much and was a great mom and grandma too. I cannot picture what happened in her mind to make her do this. I know she had a fight with her older son Bruce that morning. I know she called her mom and said "goodbye", so I know there was no fowl play. But.....she had been through so much in her life and horrible things and managed to overcome and still laugh, I guess she reached a breaking point. Her son Bruce and his wife came to the Memorial and they only stayed about an hour, I know he feels guilty about what happened, I know this was probably what Colleen wanted, but it is not going to change Bruce one Iota, so now her grandbaby is pretty well doomed.

I sat and held her younger son in my lap, he curled up and we just held each other. I know this sounds strange by James is 17 and yet when I held him he was just little James the baby I always knew. I know that I am going to have to remain in his life, would not have it any other way. However, I am worried about him and his mental state right now. His counselor's were at the memorial and he had to take pills in front of his dad, I am thinking he is probably a bit suicidal at this time.

Colleen is not scattered yet, she remained in an Urn covered by red velvet and she needs to be scattered and not kept on the entertainment center. This I felt is unhealthy for Chris and James. The clothes were still hanging to dry as she had left them the day she died. Nothing is touched. I think Chris needs to box up alot of her clothes and such and not make her presence or absence so "in your face". Opinions from you if you are in my diary reading this would be appreciated.