Can you believe I did it again today. OMG....is my son Paul trying to piss me off or what. He got nasty and spiteful this time and is now in his room hiding. I told him, "what do I need to do pepperspray you to make a lasting impression so that you don't come up behind me". I feel bad that I said that, but Christ when is he going to learn to stop the crap.

Now, I am going to vent a minute and then run and hide as is the norm lately. As you know I lost my best girlfriend to suicide recently. I am having a hard time with this and it is just adding to it all right now. About 3 weeks ago my significant other came home, we have been drifting apart for literally 6 years now and he works tons. With this new job of his, he was literally working 18-21 hours a day, 7 days a week. So, kind of like living with a ghost, hell I would get more company out of a ghost. But....sadly my little one, was devastated, he never got to see his dad and he loves his dad. So, I kept telling him for the past months that he needs to prioritize and spend a bit of time at home with his son. No Luck. Well, he finally cracked from all the hours and came in and was stumbling literally from exhaustion and said, "I cannot take this anymore", "I hate my job", "I hate my life", "I am not happy", "I cannot do this", "I would be better off dead, then my bills would all be paid off and then you would be cared for", "you guys would be better off", "I want to put a bullet in my head, then I can sleep". So, he was crying and crying a real breakdown for sure. So, I watched him for his whopping two hours of rest and then he was up and off to work. I talked to my son, then my mom, then decided I need to get the guns out of the house for sure. Also, what if he decided to take us with him. Well, I also decided to speak with his sister to try and figure how to get him help. Ed has always warned me that if I tell his family anything, he would kill me, but que sera sera, I don't intimidate that easily and I am not going to stand by while he may off himself and not at least try and do something to help him out. So, I told his sister everything and she in turn called his mom out and we met at the park so not to expose the little guy to anything derogatory about his dad. His mother started questioning me, "what is your relationship like these days?" "have we fought" I told her the truth, "what relationship" and "time to fight, hah, I never see him, I am lucky to get to say "hi" in a 48 hour period. Big breath.........