Hello all, I'm new around here, but perhaps others have wisdom I can draw upon.

Short version is that I've been married under a year and it's been hell. My wife, before we were married, read books on trauma and told me her childhood really fit some of the descriptions she was reading- there was not one traumatic event but years of an emotionally chaotic mother and a checked-out, adulterous father, among other things.

She's often been incredibly angry and judgmental of me, slamming doors, hopping out of moving cars, yelling, cursing, putting me down, telling me her reactions are because of my thoughtlessness or ignorance or arrogance (some of which is- of course- true).

Our sex life sucks, we're burning through money - she goes to therapists and doesn't get reimbursed from insurance because she doesn't want to be "labelled", among other things- we barely speak, I'm becoming someone I hate, I fantasize about divorce all the time, and I find myself hating somebody I have vague memories of loving.

So what's my question? It's something like this: when somebody is always reacting- to almost everything, it seems- and no repair, apology or good deed can bring about warmth or affection or connection, at least not for days or weeks at a time- how do you maintain perspective?

Of course she's right that I have my stuff to own- I've gotten sucked into arguments and said things I terribly regret, and I've not always been kind- but I've also never, ever been in a relationship like this, where I don't know what to expect, I'm walking on eggshells, and I find things are always, always, always turned around on me so that somehow it makes sense to her that she would be angry or frustrated with me, even when all I'm doing is telling her my feelings of loneliness and rejection. I've been criticized for everything from my clothes to my sneezing to simply wanting to buy a cup of tea in the afternoon (it was evidence that like her mother I was caught up in a consumer culture.)

How do I maintain perspective? How do I work on myself when for months I've been told I'm a betrayer, an enemy, an a**hole, a liar, a fraud, some who brings shame upon myself and my family? (I am not making this up.)

I don't know how to find the balance between thinking it's all in her head and all my fault, nor do I know how to even conceive of trusting her even though she's now in therapy and taking meds and trying to say things in terms of her own reactions and beliefs rather than simply blaming and accusing me.

How do I stay and try when I just want relief from the rejection and anger?

OK, that's enough for today :sleeping:

Thanks in advance,

j