I am not sure if this is any good contribution or not as I learn. But fear controlled me. My panic was fear of fear for the most part. When I stopped fearing the panic attacks they stopped going on for hours on end. But my fears keep them coming, just losing fear of fear stopped them from cycling out of control and feeding on themselves.

Last night I felt no fear, I felt ANGER in its deepest and nastiest form. I can honestly say I am glad the man I fear was no where near me or I would be behind bars tonight. All the hate was pouring from my soul. The anger is something I need to get through... Anger just with this was not an unknown fear. I know my fear all too well. It felt good to have the Anger as with it came a sense of strength for me and no room for the fear that has run my life for 13 years now of him. To me my anger was a good step as I am fed up with fear.

I am sure I will move on somewhat at some point, but right now I feel stronger about that one hell I was put through. If he were to show up at my door again, it may all collapse, I won't know until it happens. I just hope it is not while I am in a rage I cannot see past. But for now the anger feels good. Compared to the fear anyway. As with fear I was nothing more than a mouse, with anger I feel like a lion. I hope as I move through therapy I find a middle ground. Something stable, as the anger is not. Today I did not have the blind rage but I did not have as much of the fear either. I just have to wait to see what tomorrow holds.