Veiled, you are so clever.
When I was typing it, I typed 'impossible' then hit the back space & put in 'near on'. I thought to myself at the time 'hmm, seems the cbt is working'. And it amused me slightly that I corrected my thinking.
How do you do that???

Physically, still not crash hot (dizzy, sick, tight chest is the main thing now). Mentally a little better. This post has helped a lot.

I've realised I do have self-hate, self-blame going on that needs exploration. I feel that my pain is not valid. That events happened in the past, so I should be over it by now. I feel that I'm simply not trying hard enough. That I'm bringing this on myself. That I need to move on, and stop dwelling. That I'm self-creating this pain to get some sort of attention i.e. comfort. This is further compounded by attempting techniques i.e grounding, journalling & getting no relief. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't but I feel like a complete failure and that I must secretly enjoy being a victim & that's why it doesn't work.

I'm thinking alot about the fact that no-one can feel my specific pain. I never thought of that. I know I can feel empathy for others, support & comfort them, but at the end of the day I cannot feel their pain for them. I realise this works in reverse too.

In someways I don't think I want to let go of my pain. Not in a masochistic way, but letting go of my pain means letting go of this long held fantasy I've had. My fantasy is to replay the various traumas (or create a new one) but an adult comes along & rescues me, picks me up comforts me and makes everything better, turning my pain into a distant memory.

If I hold onto my pain, then eventually someone will see the pain Im in & come & help me.

I'm realising now, that letting go of the pain means letting go of this fantasy. I also realise the fantasy is child-like & too simplistic & if it was to happen it most likely would not instantly resolve all my pain.

Now I'm rambling & not sure I've made sense.

But mostly I wanted to say thanks for all your help, and that you have given me different perspectives to think about & work on with my therapist.