Welcome Umus, lovely to have you here on the forum. I must agree with everyone else, please think of yourself first in this equation. As my husband always says, you count too. Although you say you love this man, he has put you through the ringer emotionally and financially. PTSD is not an excuse for philandering and dishonesty. In my opinion he really needs to prove he has changed. That proof requires more than words, he must show you through his actions, and that cannot occur overnight. If you feel you need a break from him, take it! If you love him, let him know you may want to see him again in future, but for now you must have space. You really do deserve that for yourself.

Now, you enquired if anyone understood. I believe I do, although my experience happened over 30 years ago! At the time, I was a young military wife with 4 children under age 6, and living in Cyprus of all places. Since I am Canadian, I was far from home and did not have the support of my family. My husband had been serving in Golan Heights, and after his return to Cyprus, he was suffering from combat stress (which never became PTSD) and drinking heavily. I put up with the drinking for a time, until I discovered he was cheating on me. We then separated, I went home to Canada with the children and told him to straighten himself out. Because of the combat stress, he was placed on a leave and followed me back to Canada shortly afterwards. However, I refused to see him. I was very upset about him having cheated, along with his drinking, and I required space. We were separated for 7 months, during which time he went to AA and I to Al-Anon. Later on we reconciled and went to marriage counseling for 2 years.

I believe the break was very good for us, it saved our marriage. We are still together, have been for over 35 years now, and we are very happy. However, aside from that, setting definite boundaries helped me to have self-esteem. If Jim (my husband) had not made the changes I asked of him, we would have divorced, and I was willing to accept that possibility. My personal happiness and the happiness of my children came first. Forunately for us, Jim took responsibility for his actions. So, do please think of yourself first. You deserve the best; do not settle for anything less than happiness for yourself.