Hi Anthony:

Oh, you can ramble on as much as you want. I am relating most things with you very well. Like emotions - especially anger. I have recently been having a problem with rage (which seems to come from nowhere), and great pressure in my head. This seems worse at work. I took six days off, and found the pressure and rage to lessen. Then when I returned to work, I began to experience the rage again. What I have found I am doing, to keep things "cool" at work, is to "detach". I mean really detach. Sometimes working with the clients I do who have developmental disabilities, I need to stay "present" emotionally to be more in tune with their needs, etc. But right now, I am finding a couple of things helping. I am e-mailing back and forth with my therapist, and trying relaxation, crafts, going to the fitness center and working out. And also this forum, and talking with you has been helping. I seem to be more in touch with my experiences, rather than disregarding them as "wrong" or "unusual". So thank you for sharing.

Saying sorry, or admitting I am wrong, yes, I find hard to do. I guess with anger, depression it is far from my mind at times. On top of that I can be a stubborn person, or "self-determined" I call it. But admitting I am wrong at the appropriate times can make a difference in relationships, whether they be family, friends, or work. But as I mentioned when I first signed on here, I do also have a tough time with trusting. Without going into great detail of my cause for PTSD, I had a five-year long relationship with my therapist, in which she used a lot of hypnosis, I was convinced for almost the whole five years that someone was following me trying to kill me; that my family/friends were out to destroy me, and that I was not to trust my doctor. Reason: She stated they (and I as a child) were involved in a satanic cult (or government conspiracy - to her they were the same). I lived in fear for five years. I locked myself away in my house; worked out of my home. Never went anywhere except for groceries and appointments. And I almost discarded my family and friends to move to another part of the US. She gave me her home phone number, and convinced me she was the only one I could trust.

Now growing up I believed I was quite independent, (stubborn) and had a mind of my own. But what happened is I started seeing her at a time when I was most vulnerable - with severe depression and anxiety. Fortunately, when I finally took a class at a local college, I began to have doubts, and contacted a cousin who I did not know real well. He is a clinical psychologist. I called him to get an objective opinion. I explained the situation to him. And from there I stopped seeing the therapist; went to my doctor and told him what was going on (the therapist was not documenting this stuff so my doctor had no clue); and got an attorney.

Now even though she lost her license, was sued and is no longer in this area, I have lost 10 years of my life due to that experience. My 30's. I am now 46. In the last two years my emotions/issues/symptoms have become very intense. I am constantly anxious and on guard. I go through bouts with depression, then into rage for days at a time. And like you explained, I have just plain shut myself down. Don't want to live. Don't want to get up. Don't want to talk to anyone. And I have a lot of "remembering" on a daily basis.
So this is all why I am hoping that the EMDR will work for me. I am praying so.

I just realized, I have told you more than I've told my family or co-workers.
Wow. My hardest thought about that whole experience is when I think how stupid I was to let her convince me of all that crap. Growing up I thought I had a better head on my shoulders than that. I wouldn't have allowed anyone to convince me of anything if I didn't think it was right. Yes, I was vulnerable, which is why I am so careful about trusting.

I agree that therapists can understand, listen, be supportive. But they cannot "know" what PTSD feels like. Right now, I have a wonderful therapist who is so open to hear about the experience each time I remember something else. And will support my decisions. I will miss her while I'm going through the EMDR. But I will resume therapy with her afterwards.

I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be in a war. I know TV couldn't possibly come close to the real experience. I am happy you have come this far, and hope you continue in the direction you are going. I am thus far learning a lot from you. And most of all, relating to you in regards to the PTSD. My goal is to allow the intruding thoughts to just flow out just as they seeped in.

Speaking of rambling. . . Thank you again, and talk to you soon.