With Evie's permission, I am quoting her diary here, regarding Brian:
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Originally Posted by batgirl Brian got sick and went downhill so fast... I think it was only about 2 months between when he started getting ill and his accident. Two months! That's nothing. That could easily be me. It could easily be me in the coffin right now, not him. Why is that? Why am I alive and he's dead? I'm not a religious person, and even if I was, I wouldn't believe that it was God's will that Brian is dead and I am alive. In spite of everything that Brian did in those last two months, he didn't deserve to die. Yes he was driving like a ****ing maniac and tempting fate by doing so, but for ****s sake, I did too!! Many times, over a much longer period... I did all sorts of dangerous things. And I was never even injured. And I have this frail unhealthy little girl body too! Brian was a big strong man, perfectly healthy, does it for 2 months maximum, and he's dead. Why was I so lucky? I guess I'll never have the answer to that question but it does bother me. Really with everything I did I should be dead right now. |
I relate very much to what Evie is saying. I find myself feeling quite angry this morning at the "unfairness" of Brian's death. I find myself wondering the very same things that she does. Why do some make it and others don't? It is certainly not due to any virtue on the individual's part. As Evie mentioned, she engaged in many risk-taking activities for a long period of time, and for all intents and purposes, should be dead. Greg, Brian's friend who also has PTSD, was an IV drug user living on the dangerous streets of Vancouver for several years, and just recently we discovered he is still using heroin, and yet he is still alive. However my son, a loving father who had just received custody of his young child, and who until near the end functioned normally with full time employment, is dead.
I am a more religious person than Evie, however I cannot and will not believe in a God whose will it is to take a father away from his 4 year old son, to take a much-loved son and brother away from his family. That belief is far too simplistic. Nor do I believe God "allows" these things to happen. Rather I suspect the world is chaotic, and things happen randomly and by accident; some people are fortunate and others are not. I only wish my son was one of the fortunates.
There are no answers; only questions. Brian's death was thankfully ruled an accident, however I will always wonder why my precious boy didn't make it yet many others do. It is a sad fact how deadly PTSD can be.