I will start this by saying what my worse fear is. It is that someone with a desire to harm children or someone who is a sexual criminal will read my trauma and get unintensional reinforcement for their sick and twisted behavior. However, I am gently reminding myself that this is part of my healing and also of the serinity prayer:

"God grant me the serinity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change those things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I can not help if a preditor gets his/her jollies off of my trauma, so I must at this point have the wisdom to realize that this is what I need to do for my own healing.

09/08/2007

Last night I had a bed flash back. I am proud of myself in that I did not allow it to emotionally cripple me. It was disgusting. I flashed to age six. I was wearing a black body suit. It was in a car or some enclosed place I could not tell. I felt a big rough hand slip its way into my body suit and in my panties. The hand just groped me. That's all I flashed back to. I was fully awake when this happened. It was like some sick flash player reeling in my head in a quick instant. I could see it, feel it and even smell it but yet I remained my age. This is progress for me in that although I felt it as real I knew it was the past and did not regress in fear to the age the abuse occured.

I know this is not a healthy emotion but I feel shame. I also feel really really dirty like I need to wash by body over and over again.

I'll say this about shame, IMHO, it is like some invisible wall that makes one different than everybody else. For those whose trauma involved disfigurement, it is not an invisible wall but one that society builds with its disconcerting stares and patronizingly shallow looks of pity. In any case, whatever the trauma, I believe in my heart that the shame is something that must be acknowledged and owned in order for it to dissipate.

Its my shame. Its me feeling it. I have allowed myself to feel it for some reason. I have built the wall. A Pink Floid song that I love says the following:

"If you want to find out whose behind these cold eyes you'll just have to claw your way through this disquise."

For me the song would read more like this,

"If you want to find out who's behind the child's eyes, you'll just have to claw your way through this disquise."

Everything seems so interconected! My God! Its frightening. It makes me want to hide. But I can't hide from reality and the disquise only weighs me down.