My "mud story of shame"

I feel shame and I feel dirty because of the sexual abuse itself. Why did I not do something. I have always just sat back and took what ever came my way to protect the peace or at least try to. Mom and dad fought all the time. My sister and I never knew if they were going to kill each other or not or whether dad was just going to kill himself. Then I got married the first time my X never really loved me. He just was an angry man who thought he wanted a family but after I had my first child and no longer had the perfect play boy body he began horribly abusing me especially in a sexually sadistic manner.

I think sexual abuse is like having mud thrown on you that you can't wash off. Its invisible to everybody else but I can see it. And it doesn't matter how one tries to wash the mud offf it doesn't come off. And it is a stinky mud only I can smell. So others can't see it, only me, and others can't smell it, only me. Its a permanent mark that says you've been used and abused, you are dirty and you must keep your dirt a secret from everybody else or you will get it! People will avoid you, dispise you, reject you. You are helpless to stop it, you might as well just not try.