Problem here Marilyn, in that no person can help you change your way of thinking, only you can change it. No amount of help can make you change, only you can make you change because you want to change. You work it out for yourself. First self question would be: "Is what I'm doing working for me?" If the answer is no, then maybe, just maybe, you might want to push paranoia to the side and give something a go that is different to what you know or understand, and I mean really give it a go until you succeed, not just try.

So why aren't you using this valuable piece of knowledge to help yourself when the negative thought comes to your mind? Use your experience first, every negative must be found two positives.

Again, nobody can help you if your not going to help yourself. Read that carefully please, I used action words, "going to" not "might" or "maybe" but actually "do it" vs. "think about it". You have to turn your thinking into doing Marilyn, you have to push negatives aside with positives. Not think about it, do it. I and all others can only tell you what you must do, you have to do it.

Don't just try it, don't dismiss it before you have really given it your 150%. If your not giving every little task 200%, then your not giving it enough of you.

Now, this is correct Marilyn. This is what abuse does, it provides a substance structure within your brain to base all future events and thoughts. Now you mention it like software. Software is a tool for programming, it is also a tool for de-programming.

Marilyn, why are you trying to prove your abuse? That is what this sounds like to me. You need to stop trying to prove what happened to you, which comes from anger towards your abusers generally, and instead start focusing on changing your thoughts and behaviours at the basic levels. If you achieve this, you can then achieve much more detailed self management.

You didn't program your brain with this Marilyn, your abusers did this on your behalf, especially as a youth.