Hello,
My name is Mac. I am still (miraculously) married and have three daughters. I always hear how stressful daughters are, but I fortunately can disagree (knock-on-wood). My wife is an outstanding women, and she doesn't deserve my sh*t. If she decides to leave, I can't blame her.
I have previewed this site and its contents for some time now. I later 'registered,' but I don't believe I posted anything until yesterday night. I have decided to go ahead and introduce myself and maybe participate more here if I'm not run off, thanks to my mood-swings. Are you ready to hear me B*TCH and MOAN??
Several month's ago I was 'temporarily' retired from active duty service in the Air Force. I was a Medical Laboratory Technician while in the Air Force. I also hold national certification and state licensure in this field.:jerk: Currently, I am unemployed for reasons many of you can probably understand. My medical retirement from service is considered 'temporary' because, as they put it, I haven't had enough time to recover with treatment. If I get better, I can possibly re-enter the service... not too thrilled about going back though, if they deem me 'cured,' because my unit really stuck it to me before I was discharged, causing me to have vengeful ideation from time to time.
The chronic PTSD and Major Depression I was diagnosed with originates from duty while I was deployed in 2003 for the Iraq War. Prior to Iraq, I was an exemplary NCO, leader, and troop. My sole mission to that war was to identify biological agents, used in weapons of mass destruction (WMD), with DNA testing. I was to report any positive identification up the chain, which if done, might have resulted in the U.S. retaliating with the same type of weapons. I received specialized training for this just prior to deploying. I guess I was the 'fool' my supervisor called me, because none of them wanted to step up and go to war. Me, I was caught up in the lies about the WMDs Iraq supposedly had and wanted to do my part. As everyone knows by now, my mission was obviously pure bullsht.
My orders were for six months, but my deployment lasted only 90 days or so. I felt sorry for the poor Army guys who got extended over there. At the start of my deployment, I was in at a bare-base location close to Iraq. Unlike everyone else (to include medical personnel), I had no flack vest/body armor and/or a weapon.:hit-boss: When the war started, we were issued new chem suits and told to open and be ready to wear them- what a joke! Not long after, I was forwarded to the Saddam Airport (from what I understand, this place is now like a vacation resort) near Baghdad, Iraq- with no body armor or weapon again!! When I arrived at that location, there was no place for me to set up any of my testing equipment. The area was very jacked-up/destroyed (from combat) and primitive. I felt really vulnerable to say the least. I was a one-man team and basically, no one knew I existed there (except my home unit). I noticed medical helicopters always coming in and landing at a certain location near the runway. Not long after, I checked it out and noticed that casualties were being off-loaded. The medical team there was under-manned, so I pitched-in to help... wasn't I just the f*cking hero of the day. Big mistake... all I could do was manpower type work as skill in medical technology is not the same as being a doc, medic, or nurse. I'm trained to analyze specimens, and I did not realize just how much this was going to affect me. So many casualties for a month straight just took its toll on me I guess. I found myself constantly trying to hide the tears that kept rolling down my face as I carried casualties from helicopters to the tent that was set up there. I felt so bad for all of them. These casualties were mostly our troops (HERO's), some Iraqi POWs and the worst...
innocent children.
If any of you Army guys remember (May 2003 in Iraq) leaving an unarmed Air Force guy to walk back to the camp site alone, for several miles on a stretch of highway... that was me, motherf*ckers!
Back home, my wife was raising one hell of a stink with my unit because they sent me off without any real personal protection (see above). They assured her it was on its way over to me, but I never saw it. In fact, my body armor actually sat in my supervisor's office the whole time... I guess he thought a scud might impact near him on the homefront at Barksdale AFB. Not long after, I was told by a commander to jump on a C-130 out of there ...still not sure why.
I'm not even going to go into all the bullsh*t I was put through and went through after I came home. Needless to say, my issues really festered and caused me a lot of problems at work. If you've ever had problems at work due to PTSD and depression symptoms, then you understand what I dealt with. I quietly suffered because of my stupidity, ignorance and selfishness. I didn't want to say anything and risk possibly losing the only way of life I had known since graduating high school. Had I got help early, when I first started having problems, things might not have been so bad later on. They put me on medicine almost a year before discharging me, but I think it has only made me worse off. About a month or so ago, I cut my meds way down and I hadn't been so apathetic since... I went from not showering for like three weeks at a time, down to where I was after coming home (several days to a week).
I just started going to college recently. Initially, it was very tough on me emotionally. I do not like being around so many people as I suffer from unwarranted paranoia. However, just like a VA psychologist had told me, it would probably be good for me since it will keep my mind from wandering so much (he said it cured him of his major depression). As of right now, I'd say he just might be correct as I find myself engrossed in trying to keep up with the lectures... which is better than being engrossed with constant crappy memories. I hope this isn't temporary. Ya'll take care.