I am the exact same way towards my wife and kids at times... I am quick-tempered and lash out in verbally cruel ways before I start to catch myself. I am also very controlling, but honestly feel like it is in their best interest at times... like it's gonna save their life one day. Yes, I know I'm warped. I used to leave the house and go sit in the empty ER waiting room at the local VA to cool off when I realized I was too irritated (until they threw me out). Anyway, when I behave like this, it throws me back into another cycle of depression because realizing I hurt my family is the last thing I want to do and I feel so guilty for causing hurt and emotional scars (especially to my kids), it makes me believe that my family would be so much better off without me, especially with all the life insurance I have set up on myself that they would get. What's so f*cked up is that I am on edge out in public because of all the delusional dangers I face, yet many times I wish something would come along and give me eternal peace.