Cookie, I read your post and know exactly what you are going through with regards to your suicidal thoughts and plans (very similar to my experiences). I also have a family. Back in 2004, after what I believed was careful planning and research on my part, I endeavored to end it all on a particular night. I will not go into the details of how, what, or where I was going to do this to myself, as I do not want to be the one who 'enabled' someone to do something they can't take back. I am here today because of giving myself just one more chance that night... I accessed a Chaplain by phone (military clergy) that was on-call for the base (you could go to an ER or something). At the time I had no more faith in God, but I figured my family at least deserved me to do something... to give myself one-more-chance, for them. Although it would have given me premature peace in this world, I knew in the back of my mind that this would no doubt emotionally traumatize my family that are left behind... and that would be just too selfish. At the time, my career was just starting to fall apart. The Chaplain stayed on the phone with me for quite some time as I spilled everything to her. She eventually talked some sense into me. I still have intruding thoughts about suicide and a cause for my death, even some that are identical to yours. However, what keeps me from planning to carry out anything is the realization that, 'hey, life is short anyway,' so for my sake, the sake of my family, or anyone out there... just let nature take its course naturally. All the stress and depression in my life has affected me to such a great extent physically and physiologically that I probably wont live more than 15-20 more years anyway. Currently, I am about 80 lbs overweight, and have numerous physical health problems I didn't have prior to my deployment in Iraq. Exercise is easier said than done when there are so many obstacles to hurdle. I will be 33 y/o next month. Even though many of my relatives have a history of reaching life expectancy-plus, I don't see myself realistically going beyond 50 or so. But even if I was to live to 100 y/o, how fast time does fly... and if you have any faith in an afterlife, what is 100 years of suffering compared to an eternal afterlife of peace. Getting back to God (something the entire U.S. population, and world, could benifit from), has helped me in not wanting to plan and carry out my death sentence. Here is a good place to start (Christian Bible scripture passages); cut and paste web address: http://www.dianedew.com/suicide.htm
Now, I'm by far no example of Christian-living, and I sometimes question religious origin, but a lot of stuff in the Christian Bible just makes plain sense out of life and how to live. More importantly, it offers hope. It has helped me, I'm still here for the moment and if I can help somone else out, it actually makes me feel good for that moment. Thank you for posting here Cookie.