Hi Anthony

It was good to read your post. I have been told too that underneath anger lies other emotions. The hard task is identifying what they are. I realize now that it does take time too. I certainly do not want to release my anger on my clients. I find myself at intense moments having to walk into another room, or even leaving the home. Again, tonight, reading your note I can relate . . . such as road RAGE. What I try to do is think of an upcoming positive event, or deep breathing and counting to 10. In general, I've been doing the crafts, ceramics, and going and working out, which helps lessen the intensity.

I like your idea of journaling. That would be a good way to identifying emotions, triggers, etc. I am going to try that. In fact, I think I will probably continue throughout the EMDR.

I realize now that no one is following me or trying to kill me. At the time, though, it felt very real to me. That just tells me how "lost" I was. That therapist had other patients I heard she was doing the same things with. I don't know how she could go so long and get away with it!

Two months after I stopped seeing that therapist, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and had a total mastectomy two weeks later (March '98). When I look back, it seems I just skimmed through the whole experience with no feeling. Like an every day occurrence. However, I do consider myself very, very fortunate as the cancer was growing fast, and in surgery all the cancer was removed. (I have been cancer-free now for 7 years.) Then in May, I lost my job because my boss decided I wasn't producing enough. My medical bills were sky high. I didn't want to be alone at that time. I sold my house and bought a new house with my parents. Within six months I had to file bankruptcy because I just couldn't make the medical bills. I was numb throughout the whole lawsuit process which lasted approximately two years (I think). When it was over, I started to sink. Sink meaning everything started to surface. And the more it surfaced, the more I withdrew/ran . . . And like I said last night, the last two years have been, well, hell. I was actually relieved when my doctor diagnosed me with PTSD. At least there was a reason for what I was going through! And now . . . now I know there is something I can do about it. And here, on this forum, I know there are people who understand. And my therapist can guide me in the right direction. If I'm going to get worse before I get to the other side, I am willing to take that risk. Anything to lessen my symptoms; and finally be able to feel somewhat "normal." To be able to live what time I have left with some "normalcy." Yes, I am very anxious about the EMDR; and I am willing to live with that until my appointment next Friday. Who knows, maybe it won't be that bad.

I couldn't even imagine watching the scene you described in your post this morning. Seeing something that awful, horrible . . . I can't even imagine what you experienced. YOU are very strong, Anthony! And your journey to this point is what inspires me, and I bet others, to keep on going.

Isn't it amazing how much we can endure in life . . . and stay alive. I said before that I believe we learn from our experiences. I haven't figured out yet what I was supposed to have learned. It seems I'm still learning . . . and learning.

I don't think I'm making much sense tonight. I'm very tired . . . had a long day.

You take care, Anthony. Will talk with you soon.