Cookie, what Mac and Nam said.

Cookie, I had these same thoughts, same feelings, same emotions you having now for 3 constant years of my life, each and every minute was a fight to tell myself I didn't want to jump in front of that train, truck or when high up that I didn't want to just step-off and have peace... I have more pain than anyone who doesn't suffer PTSD could imagine. I have been through serious physical pain, and mental pain, and recovered from both because of my sheer determination to say "fu*k this, I am not taking the easy road out of what life has dealt me". That thought is still today embedded into my mind Cookie, because I had to tell myself that hundreds of times per day for 3 odd years, just to be here now.

This forum cookie is a result of my suffering, my pain, my anxiety, depression, guilt and every other symptom I have had (which is every single one), because I refused to let what you are now suffering beat me. I refused to take the easy option, I refused to not let this be known to others who I could one day help get past this crap themselves.

So, here we both are cookie. Lets kick this in the arse now shall we and get you past depression, so the most you have to worry about is the remainder of the symptoms... scary, but better than suicide, because every aspect you are now enduring cookie, is controllable. I can see you want to control this, so make that choice... don't just tell yourself, believe yourself. There is no such thing as "I don't have the time" and throwaway statements that are worth less than what you life is. There is time, time can be found to get out of bed in the morning, go for a 10 minute walk... its 10 minutes... not half a day. Make that decision to walk morning and afternoon, make that decision to eat healthy and not just go for takeaway or fast food out of a box, because none of the ingredients are friendly for depression, and work similar to some depressant medications, they increase the damn symptoms. You need fresh fruit, fresh vegetable, a range of meats, healthy food. Anything that comes from a box or packet, is generally not healthy. So the less you use of packaged anything, the healthier your food becomes, thus the healthier and stronger your mind becomes. The exercise will smack depression very fast. Start of with 10 minutes (timed even), then the next week go to 12 or 15 minutes morning and afternoon, then increase it up to 30 minutes morning and afternoon.

Your health is more important than church or others interpretations of you or your family... this is life your talking about cookie... and we only get one chance at it.