I realized today, I believe Brian's death is a public reflection of my mothering skills. I am worried what others think of me as a mother. Perhaps they believe I didn't love him enough, if I had, he wouldn't have killed himself in this fashion. His death was ruled an accident but when it comes right down to it he destroyed his own life with his drinking and so on, which is like a suicide. I can't help feeling over and over again, that I should have done something. On the flipside, whilst I am blaming myself for being a bad mother I am also incredibly angry with Brian in the same instance. I gave him life and he destroyed it.

I am sorry we gave Evie a car. I regret that she is going to drive it soon. I get ill everytime she speaks about driving it with such excitement. Since Brian's death I have not wanted Colin, Jacob or Evie driving (though of course I would not go so far as to prevent them). Frankly every time they leave the house I worry it's the last I'm going to see of any of them alive. Colin took Evie out for a drive yesterday and when they were 20 minutes late I screamed at them. I felt horrible afterwards for overreacting however those 20 minutes seemed like the longest of my life. I do hope this is not how I will feel forever, it's not the kind of mother I was previously and not the sort of mother I want to be, ever. They have a right to their own lives. However I simply do not think I could bear it if another one of them were to die.