Thank you Lisa, it is comforting to read I am not the only one experiencing such feelings. I do hope your daughter is fairing better these days. Thank you also for giving me "permission" to write here as I like. Sometimes I wrongly believe that I should only be recording positive feelings.

My children do understand what is going on, and have been most generous and kind with me. Though lately I have noticed they hide from me at times, and than saddens me. Though can I really blame them when I am shouting and overreacting? Last night I thought, I am likely making their own grief over Brian worse in some respects. And in Evie's case, no doubt I am making her PTSD worse, as she does not deal well with shouting. Before Brian's death I prided myself on the fact that I rarely if ever shouted at any of them, I was always the calm presence in the family. Now Jim seems calmer than myself at times. I must admit it does hurt my pride.