Hi Awake Again,

My jaw dropped when I read your post. I don't know if I belong here. I feel stupid even thinking I have PTSD because what I remembering suffering seems nothing compared to what others have suffered. All I know is that I have never been normal, or what I would describe as normal, meaning without depression and anxiety, failed relationships, addictions, pain, and a general lost in the wild feeling.

I'm tired of it, yet I am tired of searching for the answer, the healing. EVERYONE seems to offer the RIGHT HEALING. I've been taking anti-depressants since I was in my young 20's and I am now 43.

I grew up in a family of alcoholic and physical abuse, yet I was never beaten. I am not an alcoholic now. My father sexually molested me with his hands and his words, but never, that I recall, had intercourse with me. My mother doesn't want to know, even though I told her, she brushed it off. I ask myself, is this THAT BAD? I tell myself, it wasn't THAT bad. Get over it. But I am at the point where I am so tired of life, tired of the emotional and physical pain I am constantly in, that I have to give some thought to the fact that YES, maybe it was THAT BAD.

What shocked me was what you said about dying soon. That's how I feel. I don't think I will complete my 40's. Years ago, I had one of those internal epiphanies, that I would die young. I have never forgotten it and it frightens me because I believe in the power of the mind over the body.

I just want you to know that I'm here and that you are not the only one with these thoughts. This is my first post.

I'm praying for release and peace.