Hello,

This is a great forum. I've been visiting for a few months, and have gained a lot of insight here. Thank you!

I'm not sure why it took me so long to introduce myself. I'm not sure why this is so difficult. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have started therapy. I guess I'm still wrestling with denial. I keep thinking I shouldn't have PTSD; what happened to me wasn't that bad, and I don't want to waste time whining about my crappy childhood. I know I need to get past that and get over my reluctance to address the emotional aspects of my trauma. Easier said than done!

So here's the story of violence, betrayal, and abandonment. At the age of 15, I was beaten, choked, and gagged by my older sister's boyfriend/pimp/drug supplier during an attempted sexual assault. My sister watched, and did nothing to help me; I'd been sold for a bag of dope. My mother was in the psych ward of the local hospital at the time. My father was a surly alcoholic who rarely came home. I ran away and ended up in a juvenile detention center for a short time. I didn't tell that story to anyone for 34 years.

It seems very strange to be addressing this now. For me, the "trigger" that causes panic attacks is hands or instruments in or around my face, neck, and mouth. I've been avoiding dentists for over 30 years (bad strategy). I have an urgent need to face my PTSD so I can get dental work done. While I'm at it, I should probably address some of my other "issues". I'm a workaholic, have a tendency to withdraw socially, struggle with trust, don't express emotions well, and generally suck at having close relationships. Perhaps, there's still hope for me - if I can muster the courage to tackle this beast.

Thanks for listening.

Red