Yea, delayed response here but I am here momentarily. Thursday I spoke of I went with hubs to work I took the xanax. There was too hard of the crash. This past weekend I am finally recovering from. I spent Sat - Tue puking my guts up non stop and bec patiently trying to talk me through days of misery.

Saturday was blind loss of control of symptoms. Everything I know that gets me through the day went out the window. As hubs put it he was poking pills down my throat to get me "back to reality" and get me rest. This Wednesday (today a few hours ago) my anxiety was cycling still hard and lost control again tonight and he said I needed to take it before we had a replay of the last several days. He said you need to get through your anniversary with help. He said my refusal of meds for days until I crash this hard is part of it as the anxiety attacks go on for so long I am too worn to even get my CBT exercises done. He said you are so scared of withdrawals again or being always on them you fight it the pills causing even more anxiety. My panic attack seems to find an all new level for almost an hour after taking them until they kick in. Just confusing. Neither one of us want me on it. But I never want it and he says I have to accept I do need it sometimes. Maybe he is trying to help me recognize a compromise? He seems to think after withdrawing a year and being off for a few months that my intense fear of addiction and pills will keep me safe from that replay.

Yes, I did an amazing in depth ripping apart of the trauma and understand the emotions involved. I even went and purposely triggered myself to pull out the emotions last year and blindly wrote what I lived and felt at the time and even uncovered things I did not recall. It was quite the break through when I did it last year. All I can guess is the really deep screwed up traumas may never go away. If my 2 major triggers are twice a year and I cannot control or remove as they are anniversaries I may just be stuck with them.

I am really not sure how to get over the anniversaries as they make me so damn ill. I have managed to do exposure and work on other triggers (I can now enjoy fires in my home with out bad recalls). I think about it and get lost in the fireplace but I am not deathly ill... But again maybe as I just started using the fireplace maybe I don't realize it could be adding to triggering as I don't feel an intense fear of it or the smoke smell now, but I am sick.

Well like I said hubs said I need my pills tonight as he saw another bad crash coming like last weekend and I needed to calm down now as I was going on hour 6 of my CBT going out the window.

Do I have to accept some triggers may never leave? Exposure won't work all the time for everything? And I am still osing time and forgetting so much I did during the day. No kids tomorrow so maybe that will help.