Kathy I would think that you having these thoughts is just a part of your process for dealing with his death. I think it is natural to start seeing outside issues that revolve around him and things that "might have happened" both good and bad. As in any one person.. or any relationship between people.. no one can know for sure what might have happened. Every step someone takes in lifes journey has decisisions they must make.. those choices make each person's path different then any others.. and no one knows what those choices will cause in the future. You can look back and see how some choices caused some things to happen.. and sometimes you can't see the connection. Worrying about all the "what if's" only takes you on a non stop loop of all the tiny little possibilitys that "might" have happened. But its not a bad thing to start seeing all different aspects of Brian's death.. I think its just a step that happens when dealing with it. You just start seeing things that arn't so focused on him personally and his direct death. It doesn't mean you are a bad mother at all to suddenly find these thoughts pop up.