I thought I was getting better. The outrageous panic attacks seemed to calm to more mild versions but shit is all I can tell you what day is when and where though I had moments of even hours being myself. I know I did chat Saturday afternoon. Even with bec teasing about a can in my hand that maybe I was having a drink (I was drinking a sprite and munching crackers just FYI and she was teasing). I think that could have been partially triggered by a coke I drank.

But for what ever reason I crashed again after that. The Panic was no holds barred. Sprite and crackers being the mainstay of my diet lately for almost two weeks did not help as I was throwing up unmercifully again and IBS decided to let me know there was indeed more damage that could be done.

Have I had more flashbacks? Hell if I know. I can barely sleep. The other day I finally crashed for a few hours and hubs woke me as it had been too long since any food. Well, half a piece of bread left soon after! I was bumping into walls everything spinning when he tried to get me to the toilet. I did not make it out, I had to have a trash can brought in. I am literally screaming at God at this point and begging hubs to take me to ER. Hubs of course really wished had not woken me at that point as it was immediate the panic set in.

I don't know if it because I had to take Xanax at that point and yet again last night that I am so pissed off or lack of sleep. I am just a hair trigger and feel so damn sick and dizzy still. The Xanax was last night as hubs needed me out to help pick out lil' one's halloween costume (last minute, yes) and to get my wide range of supplements again that I have not taken in forever.

If is everything I have not to tell any and everyone to **** off. I made the mistake of trying to eat food so I already feel it coming back. All I can describe is hate and rage at the moment. Maybe I am bi polar too, who the fk knows?

I just want the complete loss of control gone, I want to stop puking and shitting, I want the room to hold still. I want people to quit acting like idiots. Is that really too much to ask for as I am so ready to get off the ride!

Shocker of the day, I took my supplements. Any and every pill trips a panic attack and somehow they did not.

I am looking aroung the house which is wrecked by a 3 yo that needs to be cleaned, I need a bath, I need to cook supper, I CANNOT get a job and help, and even though I have certain little pet peeves it seems everyone waits until I crash to do those! Is it so ****ing hard if you put shit in the wash to not leave it there so it gets stinky and has to be rewashed? Does shit HAVE to sit in a dryer for a day before being pulled out? I swear I am going to dismantle the thing so they have to use the clothes line out back.

I want to stay in bed and hide while these wrecking balls I call family can just trash the whole damn place to their hearts content and I do not have to look. Why does me being too unwell to work mean I am the ****ing maid? I like to cook. I like to do things for them but when they get in my way of doing it or refuse to help I want to yank every head off. Oh the "help". Looks like a crackhead or what ever got wired and made a bigger mess before the buzz wear off and leave the bigger mess for me to fix.

And then I freecycled my daughters old clothes. Pick up at hubby's work not here. The lady did not READ to see it was girls clothes even though her/she/girls clothes were all over the ads. She had a boy and says that is what she thought for. I tell her OK sorry you read it wrong I will give it to the next responder (several) so I did and made immediate arrangements. This person e mails me saying but she still wants them! I say sorry already pending pick up by another and she pops back THANKS ALOT! FU! My shit anyway.

Ah **** the world right now, I am too tired for this shit.

To top it off I know I need my herbal teas to cool my jets but if too tired as it will happen then I cannot clean a thing and the mess will only be compounded when the hairy wrecking crew get home. (son and hub)

I wish I could tolerate life outside the home, I need a job so I can have a break!!!!!