Welcome Paula,
You have definitely had more than your share of life (and death)in a short span.
My sister's son has Asberger's.
She sent me a book called: A Mother Held Hostage by Barbara Borntrager. Her son had Tourette's and ADD. My sister said she uses this book as nearly a bible and daily comfort.
My sister's health has deteriorated to the point of having chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, all due to the stress of having to deal with her son.
Hope this can be of some use.
I think educating your spouse as you go along will make it more understandable for both of you.