ditto here.

i even got to a point where a crisis would be over and i would go out for a drink with a friend and in the middle of the conversation i would slip some info on how i had ended up shaking curled up in the local asylum door begging for meds, and they would say "and why the **** didn't you stop by?? i live two blocks from it! or you could have called to let me know you where not ok!" and i would say... "i... don't- know..." and in my head tell myself "yeah, right. like i was gonna interrupt your normal productive life to make you take care of a shaky drooly runnynosed freak. in your dreams"

it's like.. when i'm ok i _know_ i can call them. but part of not being ok is feeling that i shouldn't. so i never call.

also, regarding romantic relationships... i have not long ago began to understand some of my vicious structures. if i fall inlove with somebody who's ****ed up, it's very easy for me to let them in. but if i fall for someone who's healthy and leading a productive life, i start thinking that it would be wrong to get my problems in the way. like it would be so mean to them to let them fall for me. i feel i would be ruining their lives with my problems, and they're better off without me. so i run.

what i mean is... at least in my case (at the present, for i am feeling so much better now - that's why i even dare to post here in the first place) it's not about not *wanting* help anymore. it's about feeling detatched from people to a point where you don't understand why on earth should you give someone a carer position in your life. because... (selftalk:) "who would like you enough to want to pick you up from the floor, give you a bath and take you to bed? it's not a ****ing movie, grow up. here. take a drag. calm the **** down."