Flylady, one thing I have learned from my time here is that each of us is unique. Yes, there is a "scale" of symptoms that we might experience, but each of us is different in how the core problem (PTSD) will affect us.
Think of it this way: will a single dress fit exactly the same way on two different women? No, of course not. It is the same dress, but their figures are different, so the fabric will pull in some places on one woman, and lay loose in spots on the other. PTSD is the same way. The parts that pull tightly on you, may lay loosely on someone else. It's still PTSD. It's just a question of how your brain and body "wears" it.
You and I sound very similar. I am also not able to hold a job. I have tried and I end up just like becvan. Also, as described above, if I have a series of 2-3 really good/productive days (which are average by the pre-trauma standards, but I'm not that girl anymore) it just sucks the tar right outta me, and I need 5-6 days to rest and regroup. Literally 3 days of that is in bed, sheer exhaustion, sleeping, feeling like a dead weight, zero oomph, zero drive. The ceiling could cave in and I couldn't care less.
But this is a step up from having NO productive days. What a great accomplishment that is -- another milestone achieved! Productive days! Wahoo!! I have been working hard to grab hold of those days when they arrive and RUN with them. Heaven only knows how long they'll last, how soon I will be forced back under my rock... :)
As for this "I have no choice but to work" discussion... I don't think we are ever going to resolve this between us. Those who have found they are able to work, believe they do so because they have to. I understand that their perception of having "no choice" is what drives them through their hurdles. I perceive that as being able to... they have a capability to work through their demons (or set them aside, or whatever) and go to their job and do what they are paid to do. I think that is phenomenal and I am so glad for them that they have that strength and ability. They are so blessed!!!
I have tried to do what they do. I have tried desperately. I too have bills to pay and no alternative but to pay them. That "inspiration" does not work to break down my "roadblocks" and make it possible for me to work. I wish it would!! Instead I go into terrible flashbacks and suffocating meltdowns. By day three working, I am a basket case, quivering, shaking, terrified, wadded up in a ball in bed, crying, charred people and gored-out house pets flying through my head... I can not work a traditional outside-the-home job.
I am behind on my bills like nobody's business. I am lucky, the ONLY reason I haven't landed in the street on my butt is an exceedingly accommodating landlord. I am getting better able to cover my rent in a timely way (through part-time work at home) and as I get better, I know that I will be able to pay more and more bills. I'm doing all I can though, so some things are just falling further behind. If it comes to the point where the cut the electric then I guess I will have to move out. I know what I cannot do. I know what my limits are. I don't print the money myself; I can't just invent it and I am not superhuman enough to just bust right through my worst triggers.
Everything you describe, flylady, are things I have felt or experienced. They are normal PTSD symptoms. Please do not feel weird or unusual. You are NOT lazy or incapable or any of those other malicious and UNDESERVED labels we are so fond of tagging on ourselves. You are a woman of good work ethic. You are a woman of good stature. You are putting your all into getting through this moment as best you can... and the next, and the next. You can only do your best. If you felt better, you would be up and bouncing around and loving it!!
Maybe this will help. In NASCAR racing, in post-race interviews, the drivers will get out of their race cars and say things like, "we had a 15th place car today." A winning race car is a rarity. A race car is never perfect-handling all the time. Race cars always have problems. They chatter the front tires in some turns, they fishtail out of others, they come down too hard on the right tires at times and that makes the tires wear unevenly. The crews have to keep adjusting the dozens of levers and springs and things they can change, and the drivers have to keep adjusting their driving style to try to find where the car performs the best. But at the end of all of that, they might still only have a 15th place car.
Sometimes we are only 15th place cars. Some days, we are a 30th place car. Some days we have to retire from the race early, in last place, pack the car in the semi and go home. (Those are the days we can't get out of bed, LOL)
The point of this is to encourage you to embrace the best of what you've got. Some days are going to be great days, and other days are going to suck. This is PTSD. If you've only got a 20th place racecar, be happy if you can actually finish in 20th place with that car. 20th is way better than finishing last. :) And in that case, finishing 20th with that 20th place race car means that you achieved your full potential of what you were dealt -- which is awesome!!!! THAT is an accomplishment!
And lest you think that I have all the answers for this or anything (NOT!) please rest assured that I will be back to re-read my own words when I am having a bad day. I totally lose sight of these things on bad days. That's not unusual either. Try to be patient with yourself. You will heal, but it is slow. And remember that not every win is a 1st place finish. Sometimes it is a matter of just accepting the capabilities of your car and doing what you can with it. :)
For those who don't get into racing ........ sorry.
:D Bailey  |