Yer, a counsellor at course said something similar, in that everything has a purpose. Well, my answer didn't reflect that. They said even with every negative, there is a positive. Well, my answer to that was; "I don't think so, as I have no positive from my trauma". I have lots of positives from my various deployments, and lots of great times and laughs, but the traumatic situations... not a hope in hell. I think everyone else in the class agreed with the counsellor at that point, except me. I just don't see a positive from seeing and doing the things I have. I could of well been much better in myself without all that crap in my life.
The difference is though, is that I accept what has happened has happened, and that I need to recover and move forward regardless. I can't turn back time, but if I could, I would.
Geez... things really went to poo for you Kay! Breast cancer! Damn... I don't even know how to respond to that one. That must of been absolutely terrible for you. My sister had a scare recently with a lump in her breast, though is wasn't malignant. I seen just what that did to her, and she is quite emotionally functional, so I could imagine what I've seen, and what you described, is now coming out to bite you on the backside.
Its strange really what can give you PTSD really; anything from a car accident, bad childhood, cancer, relationships, war, your job (police, fire, ambulance, emergency services, etc) and so forth. I really did fall over and had to widen my own outlook on the size of the problem with PTSD from the course, especially as all these things where thrown at us. More for knowledge, but it opens ones eyes to the full scope of the problem, and how many people are living with it, and don't know why they are the way they are. I have friends I've served with who fit the exact profile of PTSD, but they are still in denial, and won't except they have a problem, and that them not being able to hold a job, being constantly drunk, etc etc, are all just normal to them. The problem is, is that I'm not well enough myself just yet, to actually really go head to head with them to get help, as it would cause me stress that I can't handle at present.
That type of thing does make me sad nowadays. I can only imagine that you have gone through hell from your past experiences... especially throwing cancer into the mix and surgery to rectify that. You really are a very strong and capable person Kay. Well done!
Something that come out on course was actually accepting appreciation, and thanks for things. I'd never noticed it before, that I stopped doing it, but now, I look at it a little more than I had previously, which does help. I started accepting counsellors on the course telling us we were strong, and we were normal, and strong people to be doing what we do (seek help, and talk about our problems). So I do really accept your caring comments too me. Thankyou Kay.
When I sat in the trauma sessions we had, I thought to myself, "geez, maybe I don't have such bad problems at all", after listening to others. But our counsellors were just so great, they had us all accepting ourselves that our problems are just as bad as the next, just different. I'd really like to help others in the future, when I'm much better myself, as much as I physically can, to identify their problems and get them help. That would be rewarding. It sounds very much that you are holding on quite strongly now, compared to previously. Getting help is pretty tough, especially as help means we have to bring everything up again, to get better. That's scary.
I asked one of our counsellors about EMDR the other day, and they said it is a good way of getting people to release the trauma from their brain, when done correctly. I hope you have a well qualified person doing this for you. From what I know, it is quite safe when in capable hands, which made me feel a little better about you getting it. They did say that some cases had gone wrong, in that it was done wrong, and too many traumas came back at once and basically sent the person mental. I guess everything has its risks. I asked why they didn't use it with veterans, which apparently isn't a good idea, as exactly what I mentioned has a tendency to occur, too many traumas come back at once, and has the reverse effect on the patient. So we have to do the course instead, and bring things out as we feel comfortable to do so.
I think at this point I am thankful that what has happened, I am dealing with, and hopeing to help others... which would be quite fulfulling to me personally. I know that just you and I chatting here would be helping others, as they would be reading this stuff, and thinking to themselves; "that's me".
Oh, by the way, your always making sense to me. Don't worry about that. I think the same about some of my stuff here, as I'm all over the place. But things pop into my head and I write. After re-reading your stuff, you do it also. This is exactly why people with PTSD just click, and can instantly have a different level of communication to everyone else, as we just understand each other, as we are also living the same effects, regardless what caused the trauma.
I'm glad your going to give journaling a try. When my counsellor suggested it, I said, "waht tha", but after a few days, I looked at it again, and though, "hang on a moment, she's on to something here", thus I do write things down now, and read them over again later, to analyse what was going on at the time, and how I could approach the same situation next time, and better myself. It really helps getting trauma's out also, as we have tended to suppress everything so much, I write something down, read it the next day, and remember something else, so I add that, then it keeps going like that until everything has come back about a specific incident. I just think, "Wow", so much came afterwards, from reading it and reading it, again and again, remembering more and more each time. It just amazed me how the mind works...
I attached a pic of myself with my little fella. Its only a few months old... so fairly recent. My little bloke is such a therapeutic bundle for me... as I can't be angry with him, thus teaching myself much better control. |