I think I've already said this but only in a brief statement, my relationship with my family (ie: my mom, dad, siblings...everyone like that)--is non-existant. I had to cut off everyone to keep myself sane.

I hate it that I had to do that, but my mother despises my husband for standing up to them. See even as an adult they would mock me and put me down and so my husband told them to stop and it made them very angry with him.

Since that happened my mother has gone completely off her rocker. She's made 2 false reports to social services saying things like we drug our kids, we keep them locked in their rooms all day, ridiculous things really. Both reports were found to be unsubstantiated which we already knew.

The last one was an especially painful jab at me. Both of them would bring up my history with my ex husband, what he did more so to my daughter than to me. But both were included though they didn't know alot of what went on in that relationship. Just a small thing that always upsets me but I'll say it here, when my daughter was 9 weeks old my ex broke her arm (it was what was called a spiral fracture of her upper arm--I still have issues in the first two weeks in February cause it's an anniversary date). I didn't see him do it, but I saw the x-rays and I saw the demonstration he did on a doll that they had him do in front of me. I always wondered for years why I had flashbacks of him doing it when I wasn't in the room and then I remembered the demo and it clicked.

Anyways she told the social worker that I was afraid for my life which I've never said and I'm not. I'm actually lucky to have such a caring and understanding husband. And that "I got kicked out of the military cause I couldn't cut it"...which I was honorably discharged after 7 years (6 years plus a 1 year extension). They did a medical evaluation board on me (which was helpful with my VA disability claim) but I took the copy of that with me to file for it instead of sticking around longer where I was working cause that was also putting me through undo stress.

My parents were abusive but when I mention it my mother always says one of two things, either:

Since I'm the only one who can remember these things that they never happened.--which isn't entirely true as my middle sister tried to get them in family therapy when she was in college but that only angered them.

or

That you can't rely on the memories of a child.

Which always makes me question my own sanity.

They say they are not alcoholics because they don't drink every day, but on the weekends they go through 2 cases of beer on Friday and Saturday and sometimes Sunday if Monday is a holiday. Anyday that they don't have to work the next day. They used to drink and drive and throw the beer cans out the window.

But she thrashes my memories, she verbally assaults me yet I feel guilty for cutting them off because it was practically beaten into me that you have to stick to blood relatives. But my therapists that I've seen tell me that if someone is harmful to you, you do what you have to to survive.

We tried to reconcile things for the 4th time about a month ago and things didn't work out and she started off again and hurt me more and I don't know why I keep letting her do that to me.

I have dreams now that have both my mother and my ex husband in them, like they are both trying to get me.

I did an exercise in my workbook which is one of the first exercises, with drawings and I drew in 'my space' that my parents and my ex were always looming over me, us, my family (husband and two kids and I).

I don't understand why it has to be this hard to do things like this. I don't know why my family has to be like this. Why are they so cold-hearted. And sometimes I wonder why I'm not like them...my youngest sister is alot like them. My middle sister is distant and cold like my father who has never shown emotion and has never told me he loves me or is proud of me.

I am the oldest of three. I sometimes think its because I am the only one that actually truly left home. My sisters have never left the state. I've been up and down the United States, Texas, Ohio, Maryland, Virginia. We moved down to North Carolina for maybe 4 months before they lost it on us and started driving past our house and stalking us. Physically instead of on the internet.

I feel like I can't feel safe anywhere.