That is how I feel at the moment, though I'm not sure which one. I was going to post this in the hidden area for those with PTSD only, but the world needs to know what goes on with PTSD, and the crap happening inside us.

My mind doesn't know whether I need to shutdown and implode, or explode in rage and anger at the moment. I know that explode is definately not the best thing, but neither is implode into a mess.

For the last week I have constantly thought, is it really worth going through this shit for the rest of my life... the traumas that are within, the things within the world that have affected me so much to give me this illness. I feel like I am constantly fighting myself internally whether to stay or go from this world.

My family is walking around me at the moment because I am struggling with life, and that is a repercusion of what we with PTSD live with daily, and our families. I don't know whether I am going insane or just crazy at times. With the tools, techniques and information I know about PTSD, and it still tears me apart at times.

It frustrates me more when someone says "go see a counsellor"... like dur, I know what I have to do, and it has nothing to do with a counsellor, it has to do with getting it out of me in the right way, and not the wrong. I know what is right and wrong, but I feel like PTSD just completely turfs everything I know... something like putting it in a blender and forcing me to reconstruct everything I have just been working on within myself for the past months. It feels like a never ending battle to survive.

This is me at the moment... and I am a bit of a mess, though trying to keep it together. I know that within myself, if I didn't have so many responsibilities around here, I would most likely check myself into a hospital for a while, to help me lower my stress levels and burdens... just to ground myself and get back with the program, being life.

I try to be strong most of the time, to run this place and help others from bouncing off the walls, taking their lives, beating people in anger outbursts and so forth... but at the moment I feel like I'm right back to square one. Actually, I think everytime PTSD really gets a hold of me I go back to square one, start again. I feel like my life rotates around that storyline.

This makes me always think about what I have said here before, in that "I would never wish this upon my worst enemies", thats how bad I believe PTSD is to live with. Doctors, counsellors, social workers and PTSD support persons, none of which can truly help me, as I have seen them all, and gotten everything that initially needed to be said off my chest, but now the same feelings just keep returning, pulling me apart both in mind and body. The physical side effects of PTSD suck... I am sick, worn out, exhausted and mentally just broken down.

The thing is, is that when you know about the illness, are well educated on it, know the tools to use and techniques to use during these bad times, they still fail because the disorder is stronger than all these things... it is like going into a gun fight with a stick, each and everytime PTSD rears its ugly head in full flight, it consumes and takes over us.

I know a doctor is just going to medicate me again, which is great during the initial stages when you don't know how to control this madness (highly recommended actually), but it does nothing for me now, as even when medicated, I still get the same strength affects inside me... and even the time between them is the same, medicated or not. I know that the only way to get past this is get it out of me, lye it on the table (or this forum so to speak) so that I am somewhat normal by the end of this.

I am actually getting there now... but I know this won't last long. I really wish I never had this crap... and I definately wish everyone here didn't, cause this stuff is really quite consuming of us!

I am listening to music, trying to get my shit together... but there is just so much general life stuff that is hard to deal with. Getting out of bed this morning was a struggle, let alone getting through the days. This network is just a hobby, and some parts of it consume so much of me that I get stressed, even though I have scaled so much of it down over the past year to run more without my input... going to the toilet is a challenge at the moment... how sad is that!

I've had a conversation away from the general public, where I said I probably need to just breakdown and cry... as I haven't since my brother died many years ago... but I know that would only be a short relief of the pain and frustration that builds within me.

PTSD is such an eye opener every day... something which I assimilate to people who comment on it without the illness, "is that they will never know, or even come close to knowing, unless they have it", and I stand by that every day. I know this is why we with PTSD all assimilate with each other far better than general society, our family and friends, because none of them truly understand the pulling and pushing we suffer 24/7 inside us. Just having my wife calling me for general things I know need to be done, but I just don't want to be called... frustrates the hell out of me, but I know its not a normal response. What is normal now I don't really know.

Well, I have been and had a smoke, and feel a little better getting some of this out of me. See how long it lasts I guess.