I am really depressed this morning. Don't know if I can get through the day. I think it might be because it will be the first time I've seen my 3 year old granddaughter since my theripist told me she believes I was probably that young when my abuse happened. Also might be because if I was that young then it had to be a family member not the neighbor who first abused me. When I think of how small laila is and think of by brother doing that to a little child like that, it makes me so sick.

At my appointment tuesday I learned what was going on when I felt like there was another personality inside of me. Marcia called disassoication. Thats why she believes I was about the age of gd. I also asked her if what happened was enough proof that something did happen to me. She said yes. Its so hard not knowing for sure if I was abused. Sometimes I think its just all in my head. Also feels like family members don't believe me cause I can't remember.

I'm also wondering, once I let this stuff out will I ever beable to be a store manager again. Will 8 weeks be enough time. I remember back in 85 when ptsd first surfaced I was a mess for at least a year. And back then I was still using. (alot) Worried about money, you get used to making what we make. omg, thats a major stressor. I've made a hell alot of money these past few years. We haven't saved hardly any. And we still spend more then we make. This past 6 months we put a bunch on credit cards. Our son got married in May and we paid for most of the wedding. ok enough of that, its really stressing me out.

Also left me anziety meds at work, which is an hour away. so all this stress is really messing with