Having spent the past 6 months fighting to get my Anorexia under control, I did not realize how much of my PTSD was still lying in wait. It is amazing how much something like Anorexia can deaden the PTSD pain temporarily...then it comes back and bites you HARD.

Until last week, I really believed that this holiday season was going to be different. Now, I feel like I am hanging on by my fingertips. I want to feel....but when I do start feeling, I dissociate. I try to break out of my comfort zone...but dive back in as quickly as I can. I am at the point in therapy where I have always "given up" before. There is this line that I have never crossed because I am so afraid and untrusting of myself...yet I am going to venture across it after the holidays. It is time to finally deal with the hard stuff instead of running away. But, I have quickly figured out that this time of year is NOT the time to take that on.

PTSD is exhausting...yet I can't sleep. The holidays are supposed to be this magical time...but I find I have to force myself to do things so my kids can enjoy this time. I am overwhelmed and triggered everywhere I look. The problem is, I have 2 solid months of eating disorder recovery under my belt and I don't want to mess with that. However, I am finding it hard to pull up my positive coping skills right now.

I have faith that I will get through this...I am just so exhausted right now. Day by day....step by step.