I have just learned, in the past 2 weeks, this is how I survived my abuse. I know I survived it when it happened but don't feel like I'm surviving it now. The hour drive home from work last night was awful. I think the little girl that survived my abuse drove most of the way.I remember stopping once and calling for my son to come get me. But then we had to worry about his car being left on the highway. Also think when I was driving all my energy was going into not trying to wrap my car around telephone pole. Only thing that stopped me was the fear that husband and youngest son would probably do it right after me. And that would be terrible for the other 2. They are the ones with children and what kind of life would my grandchildren have if thier dads had to deal with that.

Sorry to be writting about that stuff but I think its ok as long as I'm not writting about having a plan and I'm going to go act on the plan (right?)

I'm surpose to go back to work in 3 1/2 hours. Don"t know if I'm going to make it at all. Drive up and back is the worst. Up in my head all the way. Only stayed at work about 5 hours, my boss told me just get the schedule done and get out of there.(schedule was surpose to be posted 2 days ago)
Ive tried to teach others to do it but its not easy to schedule 30 people and make sure you have enough cashiers on and you don't schedule people when they can't be there. And you can't use to many hours but need to use the right amount of hours. I smoked a cigerette one of the times I broke down( tasted really nasty). And I didn't get the damn schedule done.

I need to do something about my xanax. The doctor gave me to high of dosage and its timed released so everyone is saying don't cut it in half. When I first take it I'm knocked out for couple hours, then I feel high the rest of the time. Pretty sure the drive home last night was with out any. I took it about 1000am and left work at 1015pm.

OK for my questions about disassociation, Is it possible That I didn't know I did this when I was younger. And really don't think I do it now. Just because I did it during abuse doesn't mean I've done it into adulthood. Also when I'm doing fine one minute and a couple minutes later I'm totally lossing it, is that the child trying to surface.