Hello again,

Feeling a bit better than I did above. I feel very self-conscious when I offload that sort of stuff, usually I just stew in my head, trying to avoid some form of self-abuse. :dummy-spi

I went swimming and sobbed the whole time, came back, phoned a helpline for ages, had some food and wine (just the one glass). Now I'm exhausted and frail. I'm not suicidal but I wish I'd never been born. I just want to stop and be another person but I can't.

I know all the things I should think about positive thinking and all that, but I get so overwhelmed there isn't anything else in the world when my head gets like that. There's no evidence to the contrary. Now at my age I physically can't bear being within sight of families and couples. I've just had enough of it and my tolerance has worn out. Everyone and everywhere are people who have someone, or know what it's like to have had someone. I've done all the things you are supposed to do, I've been a model student and taken all the advice and I'm still totally alone. It's like a raw open wound that keeps festering and I can't make it go away. And it's going to get worse because more and more of my trauma is coming to the surface and there's no-one there with any love.

I'll be alright another day.