Thanks for the insights.

Bec, when I first read your response, I felt so totally at a loss. My son is 14. It took me a couple of days in rereading your post to finally agree with you. You are right. Yes, there are definite boundary issues here. I never thought that my "staying out of their disagreements", was basically condoning my son's behavior. That was a difficult realization to swallow. But, once again-I see your point. Thanks. When I used to get between the two of them, I would get caught. I wanted to back my son up, with his adverse views of smoking-but, I wanted to stay out of my husband's way because of his abuse. When my husband begins his abuse towards me, my son tries to protect me. He stands up to his dad-and I am afraid that his dad will hit him. I don't want him in the middle of anything-so I just stayed out of it, to protect him from my husband. I eventually stayed out of it completely because I couldn't help either of them. I didn't want to condone my husband's smoking-but you are absolutely correct.......what would I rather have, his drinking or smoking?! THAT is a no brainer for me to answer-no drinking.

Our son doesn't know that his dad is a recovering alcoholic (my husband doesn't want him to know just now). But, I believe the time may be approaching where he will have to be told. What I thought was interesting was that my son has taken on the persona of parent-"as children of alcoholics do". I didn't know that was a trait.

My husband thinks that the Chantix is the only reason he was so abusive to me (he thought he was over the abusiveness). But I had a talk today with my doctor, and he feels that there is a lot of anger buried there, and it wasn't just the medication that brought it forward. After re-experiencing his severe abuse this past couple of weeks-reminded me what it was like when he drank. So, I am not going to push his quitting smoking. I couldn't survive his drinking again-or his alcoholic behaviors again. You are so right Damiea-there are worse things than smoking, and if it calms him down-so be it. At least he doesn't do it in the house.

Now, I just have to get over my fear of him. I have tried several times to talk with my son about his behavior and how it is wrong. But, he is just so afraid of his dad dying from smoking that he just can't help it. I even had him talk to a therapist about it. I walk on constant eggshells. I will have to broach the subject with my husband, of telling our son about his alcoholism-but I will do that after the holidays.

Thanks to both of you for your valuable input. Sometimes the truth is hard to take-but I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to hear it.

nor